


Raison d'être (Breathe)

by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies), Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011), Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt!Will, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mission Fic, Mixed Signals, Near Drowning, Trains, Truth or Dare, a lot of confusion, train accidents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 18:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6764533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind/pseuds/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Will, when this is over—”<br/>The man mutters something, then nods and lowers the phone. His thumb hovers over the buttons for half a second before he presses down.<br/>“When this is over, Ethan, I’m going to punch you in the face!” Will only makes it to <em>I’m going to—</em> when there’s a sudden jolt going through the train and Will is thrown against the wall, an inconveniently placed door handle jabbing into his side and Will gasps at the sharp pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raison d'être (Breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> I want to regale you with this while I thank you for your patience regarding 1440 minutes. It’s going to be updated soon, I promise! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this mixture of confusion, snark, and soppy fluff.  
> Sorry if Ethan seems a bit OOC towards the end, I... I don't know.  
> Lyrics at the end by Mika.

When he had first started to work for IMF lunch breaks had never been an issue because he never had the chance to actually take one. Not in the common definition of the word, thinking of, for example, all the bankers and lawyers in London, mingling around St Paul’s. His first years had been cramped with missions and to be quite honest, Will enjoyed it. He had thought he was made for field work, he liked the rush of it, the excitement. Known for his brazen and fearless appearance he lived on adrenaline and take away food. But he was also the one who’d been able to keep cool in the most heated situations (okay, not always but most of the time) which was one reason why his team was so successful. Then, after his world was turned upside down in Croatia that character trait of his had been crushed and all the bravery had well and truly fucked off. Deal with it, move on. (That had proved rather difficult for Will.) Being an analyst had turned out to be quite okay, Will was less stressed, he slowly managed to get his sleep rhythm back to almost normal and – he had lunch breaks. Only that they were only half as nice when spent alone. Back in those days Will had started wandering through the city, each day a little further away from the IMF building. Still, he had always been careful not to return late. After a few weeks he had found a place, all the while stunned by the fact that he’d lived in this city for quite some time but never really _seen_ it. It was a park, not far away from his workplace, right in the centre of the city but inside a small enclave, shielded by rows of houses on two sides and a tiny lake on the other. It lay slightly higher than the rest, a few feet above the streets in the near of a church. Will rarely had company during his lunch breaks but he didn’t mind so much after he’d found the place. It offered him a couple of minutes off from his usual world of secrecy and reminded him that life could be beautiful if you knew where to look. He watched the Canada geese fight down by the miniature lake and sometimes even dozed off for a few minutes in the summer sun.

Will had never shared this place with anyone, nor had he ever told anyone about it although it was a public place and not exactly hard to find. But somehow there only ever were few people there with him and Will enjoyed the quietness and peacefulness.

 

Will curses at himself for having taken the wrong turn _again_ and worriedly eyes the bag containing his favourite Thai food. Silently begging it not to go cold he wonders what the hell has him so occupied that he’s forgotten the way. Rounding another corner he discovers contentedly that he’s on the right street and walks down towards the church where he turns left and jogs up a couple of stairs. The park is empty as usual, safe for a young woman with a camera, taking photos. Probably a student working on a project, judging by the way she looks and the bag and the papers scattered all over the place. Will sneaks past her to the bench in the far corner and sits down with a small sigh. It’s still bloody chilly but the sun is shining and Will can’t help the good mood twisting his lips into a smile. Thankfully, his lunch has still a decent temperature and he’s just about to dig in as he hears the snap of a twig followed by a low voice.

“Would you mind?”

Will’s head shoots up and he blinks against the sunlight and the surprise that his face no doubt betrays. Ethan is standing in front of him, hands casually buried in his coat pockets, dark blue scarf slung around his neck.

Well, this is a surprise. Definitely.

Sneaky bugger. And how— “How did you find me?” is the first thing that comes out of Will’s mouth because greetings are definitely overrated and this is the important question, right? Not why Ethan’s smiling so casually. Not why he’s looking so stunning. Not why he’s here _at all_.

Will bites his lip.

“I followed you.”

Will freezes. Stares. “You f— of course you did.” He swallows, feeling his stomach squirm, appetite suddenly gone, but he scoots over, motioning towards the free space.

Ethan follows his offer and sits down next to him, leans back against the back of the stone bench.

Will doesn’t know why he’s so nervous, he’s just… well, let’s face it, he’s got a crush.

On top of it all, Ethan’s been acting oddly.

Not that this is anything to go by and to stop himself from thinking Will turns to his lunch again. He can’t concentrate on eating, though, not with Ethan so close to him, not with that cryptic remark worming its way into Will’s brain, not when Will doesn’t know why he’s here and what this means. When he chances a glance to his side he finds Ethan smiling at him, this usual wide smile that he wears all the time.

Will quickly averts his gaze but the words muttered close to his ear pierce through him and he’s shocked into stillness.

“Don’t you want to know why I followed you?”

Now Will isn’t so sure anymore if he wants to know but he nods nonetheless because maybe there’s an explanation to it that he likes.

“I wanted to spend the lunch break with you. But seeing as you always vanish into thin air at this time of day I thought…” Ethan trails off but when he speaks again, his voice is several nuances softer and almost apologetic and it makes Will look up again. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

The smile is still there, ghosting over Ethan’s face and it lights up his eyes but it’s lost this cheeky edge and the strange feeling of privacy settles in Will. They’re almost alone here and the young woman with her camera hasn’t noticed them. A quick bat of the eyes tells Will that Ethan’s hand is resting on the stone of the bench right between their legs and Will would just have to reach out, brush his fingers against his skin. It only requires the tiniest of movements and Will can already feel Ethan’s hand beneath his own and perhaps he wasn’t dreaming the past few weeks, perhaps _this_ is the moment, the chance he’s been waiting for.

Skin touches skin, cold fingers against a warm hand and Ethan draws away abruptly, standing up and awkwardly rearranging his scarf.

“I’ll see you later, then.”

 

Will watches him go, confused and a little, just a little broken.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Come on, Will, don’t be a spoilsport!” Benji elbows him in the ribs and it’s a friendly gesture but Will still pulls a grimace.

“One more round, come on” Benji presses and Will rolls his eyes.

“You can be such a child, you know that, Benjamin?” he huffs but there’s a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. Will throws a quick glance across the room – they’re sitting in Benji’s living room, him and the techie on the carpeted floor, Jane’s stretched out on the sofa, and Ethan’s claimed the armchair for himself – but Ethan’s smiling encouragingly at him so Will nods.

“All right” he concedes, quickly averting his eyes. “But only one more ‘cause I’m tired.” He is tired, that much is true but he’s also a bit drunk – they all are, to be honest – and for some reason he can’t bear being in the same room with Ethan for much longer. Will hasn’t been able to breathe freely this whole evening and he very well knows the cause for his troubles. They’re not exactly close – there’s still a considerable distance between them, both literally and figuratively, and despite his desire to curl up beside him on that armchair Will’s found himself a seat at a safe distance and in the charming company of the techie he calls his best friend. Ethan and him are friends, too, they have been for quite some time now but there’s something else hovering between them and Will can’t talk to him about things as he can to Benji and he can’t look at him without his thoughts derailing and the butterflies in his belly squirming. The smile Ethan directs at him when he dares look up again only helps to intensify the unease and the ache in his chest. He’s never going to get him. The past few days have thrown him from thinking that maybe there’s a way they could work to waking up with a sickness in his stomach at the mere thought of seeing Ethan during the day. It’s strange and Will can’t explain it but if there’s anything to discover than he will soon enough he assures himself as he turns his eyes back to Benji who clumsily gives the empty beer bottle that’s lying on the floor in the middle of them a little nudge so that it spins around. They’ve been playing truth or dare for the past half an hour and Will still can’t fathom why he agreed to this in the first place. Until now the game only involved plenty of alcohol and some awkward truths from all of them but at least everyone’s been reasonably decent.

The bottle comes to a halt pointing at Ethan and Benji rubs his hands with glee as if he’s finally able to put a long-planned scheme into action. Will sneaks a look at their team leader and catches him resting his head back against the back of the chair with an almost pained expression on his face.

The more intoxicated the evening got, the sillier the questions or dares got. And now it’s Benji’s turn to think something up and this can only end in a disaster, of that Will is sure.

Jane sits up on the couch and expectantly tilts her head in the techie’s direction.

“Okay” Benji begins, almost solemnly and Will and Jane share a look that tells the analyst she’s thinking just the same.

“Truth or dare, Ethan?” Benji asks and the question is followed by a short silence before Ethan’s voice breaks through the air.

“Dare.”

Of course. Ethan’s been going for _dare_ nine times out of ten and if he’s being honest, Will didn’t expect anything else. This time Ethan sounds a little worn out, though. Apparently, Will’s not the only one beginning to feel the effects of too much alcohol (and a whole cocktail of all sorts of stuff at that) coursing through his system. He already regrets this. He’s going to be _so_ sore and sick tomorrow.

Benji takes a deep breath, he’s enjoying this, Will can tell and it makes him smile. “I dare you to…” the techie’s eyes dart across the room as if searching for the suitable challenge, “…kiss Will.”

Will’s heart stutters in his chest and he coughs, taken aback. He turns to frown at Benji because that’s childish and they did set rules to avoid letting this get out of hand but his head doesn’t follow his brain’s instructions and instead his eyes meet Ethan’s for a nanosecond. The tiny smile combined with the twinkle in the other’s green eyes he gets trips him up and Will doesn’t know what the fuck is happening when Ethan gets up, saying, his voice rough from the alcohol, “Okay.”

All right, stop. Stop it right here, please. Will’s not ready for this because Benji might think this funny and dismiss it as nothing, but Will’s view on it is completely different. Hell, he’s yearned for this and the part of his mind that’s all excited keeps sending enthusiastic messages of _It’s going to happen, this is what you want_ but the other part, struggling to battle against the excitement that’s got Will’s shoulders shaking and his heart fluttering reminds him that he didn’t imagine their first kiss to happen this way.

Embarrassed, Will admits to himself that he’s imagined it hundreds of times. But certainly not like this. This is stupid, this doesn’t mean anything, this probably isn’t mutually wanted, this is just wrong. It occurs to Will that he could protest but that would only serve to make it more awkward and encourage Benji and Jane to urge Ethan until he does it.

Will swallows heavily and prays that his body hasn’t betrayed him completely already. He wants to turn to Jane for help but he can’t move and then Ethan squats down in front of him and this almost devilish smile he’s got on his face fills Will’s field of vision and shit, it’s going to happen, it’s really going to happen. It’s true, Will wants this more than anything and he tries to calm himself down, telling his mind to enjoy it for it’ll be over way too quickly.

Ethan’s hand comes up to gently touch Will’s cheek and Will feels himself blush and he refrains from biting his lip because that would give the game away.

“I’m not going to hurt you” Ethan whispers and Will’s pretty sure it’s low enough that the others didn’t hear it.

Why does he say something like that, anyway? Does he honestly think it would _hurt_ Will?

Well, fuck.

Ethan’s eyes are playful as they lock on Will’s and in this moment the analyst knows that this is nothing more than a game, a dare accepted and carried out, and it _will_ hurt. It will hurt so fucking much because it means nothing and Ethan’s eyes tell him just that.

Will holds his breath and freezes completely when Ethan leans in and his lips brush against Will’s own. It’s just lips on lips and it’s short but Will shudders at the sensation and this feels so incredibly _good_ and he’s suddenly glad for his temporary immobility because otherwise he might have lost control over his body and wrapped his arms around Ethan’s neck to pull him closer. This is what his brain tells him to do but then Ethan’s already drawing back, the playfulness still in his eyes. Will meets his gaze and damn, it _hurts_. It hurts deep inside of him.

 

For the rest of the evening Will avoids eye contact with both Ethan and Jane, the latter looking rather pleased with the outcome of the situation. Benji, on the other hand, receives the full power of Will’s scowl.

 

 

* * *

 

 

That was six months ago. Now Will’s on a train across Finland, desperately trying to shut Ethan out of his ear because his ranting is rather quickly driving him mad. All the while he’s trying to focus on the mission. Which is the reason why he’s currently rushing down the corridors past the compartments, throwing a quick glance through every window. The target is nowhere to be seen, though, which sets Will even more on edge. A voice rattles through the speakers but Will doesn’t understand a word since Finnish isn’t featured in his rather impressive catalogue of languages he speaks fluently.

“Ethan, could you please use a private channel for your flirting or save it for later? Not that this isn’t long overdue but to be honest, you are getting on my nerves” Jane complains and Will immediately agrees. (He ignores the _long overdue_.)

“Hey, I’m only wondering why he’s still single considering his charm” comes back and Will wants to sigh deeply but he hasn’t got the time to stop.

“Look in the mirror, Ethan, I’m sure you’re going to find the answer there” Jane comments and Will can’t tell whether it’s exasperation or snark lacing her tone.

To be honest, Will is sort of tired of this. It has been going on for the best part of six months now and it’s gnawing at him. What’s really bothering him, though, is that he doesn’t quite want it to end, either. Because for some weird reason it’s the only way he can feel closer to Ethan and he’s not going to deny it (he’s been through the denial part and honestly, it didn’t help), he’d do everything to be closer to him. And here he is, letting himself be tossed around like a toy. If he had a minute to catch his breath, he’d probably snort at himself. Not that this would help, he’s been shaking his head at himself ever since he realised that Ethan’s intentions are everything but clear and that Will should bloody well stop reading anything into the man’s actions because that only makes things more complicated than they already are. Perhaps Ethan’s really only toying with him, leading him on. But why would he do that? Will just can’t find it within himself to believe this because if time’s taught him one thing about Ethan Hunt then that he’s one of the most sincere people Will’s ever met. Even if practically anything can hide behind that million dollar smile Ethan’s never been dishonest with him.

And secondly, well, because he doesn’t want to.

Because maybe, just maybe, he’s enjoying the compliments and the smiles. Even though it hurts every time Ethan turns away, leaving it to Will to figure out what he meant. Will’s always been a master at reading people and while Ethan had been easy to understand in the beginning he’s starting to become quite a challenge as of late. What Will is less good at is dealing with that crush of his. Ethan, on the other hand, knows how to express intentions and his smile never fails to win people over. He could have anyone if he wanted and Will’s come to know him as a man who doesn’t give up until he’s achieved his goal, in this case getting to take someone out. Ethan’s got this charm about him that makes people fall for him in seconds and Will envies him a bit for it. Of course he’s thought about it, asking him out, but as if he could man up the courage. No, where his private life is concerned, Will’s always been a pathetic idiot. Not that he’s pining.

But where Ethan’s advances had sparked hope in Will and had left him feeling excited, there’s confusion now and this back and forth isn’t doing him good. Will can’t seem to find a way to decode the encryption of the messages Ethan’s sending him.

He doesn’t know how to read it, if there’s anything to interpret, at all. Perhaps he’s only _over_ -interpreting things but there’s still Jane’s comments so she must have noticed, too.

Now Will takes the time to exhale a long suffering sigh.

Six months ago in that park Ethan had smiled at him in that particular way of his that had sent Will spiralling and the butterflies in his belly fluttering excitedly and ever since then he’s found himself on the receiving end of a heavy dose of mixed signals. A wink through team briefings, a smile when no one else was looking, a hand lingering where it shouldn’t, an unexpected hug, a muttered ‘You look marvellous’. Ethan has taken him out several times, sometimes concealing it as a work-related meeting, sometimes not even bothering. But never has anything happened, well, it _happened_ quite a lot actually, knees touching, Ethan’s hand occasionally resting on Will’s, intense looks (never mind Will’s wildly beating heart) but never something _more_. Afterwards, Ethan would take him home and he would lean in the doorway, smiling, but then at the last possible moment he would turn around and leave. On most days he’s just being cheeky but there are occasions where he seems sincere, honest in what he says. On other days, though, Ethan’s clipped and… not particularly unkind but he seems to have forgotten about his earlier actions. More than once has Will tried to talk to him about it, see if he can weasel some hint out of him but either Ethan had a rather solid explanation for it all or he simply waved it off as something that friends do.

Will is pretty sure that this is _not_ what friends do, but well. He doesn’t have the courage to dig deeper because he’s afraid that he might find that it all means nothing after all. He doesn’t want to believe that Ethan’s only playing with him but it might just be his way to show Will that he likes him as a friend, a very good one even but nothing beyond that.

It would most likely break Will if he found this to be the reason for Ethan’s actions so he doesn’t ask and he doesn’t dare make a move of his own.

Will painfully remembers this afternoon not so long ago where they were lounging on the sofa at Will’s, incredibly close, and Will had decided to take a chance because Ethan seemed interested and it only seemed natural to take it a little further, make it start properly. So Will had taken Ethan’s hand, intertwined their fingers and Ethan had let it happen. Believing that all it needed was a leap of faith Will had shifted a little closer, tilted his head so that he could look at Ethan. Perhaps Ethan had only been so inconsistent in his actions because Will hadn’t shown some sort of response. If that was the case, well, Will would be more than happy to provide one. Hoping that he was doing the right thing and not reading it all wrong he had smiled and then leant in, just a tiny bit – inwardly trying to control his frantic heart – but just a millisecond before it could happen Ethan had abruptly drawn away and gotten up from the couch, declaring that this was not what he was here for and that he should go.

Will had merely stared at him, taken aback and absolutely mortified. Ethan had almost seemed offended, angry even and all Will could do not to look like a complete imbecile was clench his teeth together and clam his mouth shut before he could say something stupid.

It was in this moment that the usual playfulness in Ethan’s eyes had been gone, replaced by something Will couldn’t decipher but Ethan had seemed serious, almost a little bitter. Only afterwards, when he was gone Will had realised this particular detail and he had wondered why. _Why_ was the question of the month, really, because if everything Ethan had let shown didn’t lead to this then why was he doing it, anyway?

Ever since then Will had decided that taking a chance was a bad idea and he would not make this mistake again. And so it goes on and Will catches himself staring blatantly through the window into another empty cabin, wondering why he keeps letting this happen because he very well knows that he can’t keep doing this. As far as Ethan’s concerned, the playfulness is back and Will doesn’t know what to make of it and it’s fucking _getting to him._

The worst part is that it’s rendering Ethan even more unreachable.

Splendid. As if falling for his team leader isn’t already stupid enough.

And then there’s the fact that Ethan had kissed him. Granted, it wasn’t a real kiss and it was forced, in a way but Will can’t help but think about it and he still feels the sensation of Ethan’s lips on his and he’s somewhat ashamed of it. That one doesn’t count and it meant nothing and Will needs to get this into his brain.

Will shakes himself out of his dire thoughts, this is neither the time nor the place. The mission. That is what he’s here for. Getting his legs back into motion Will chases down the corridor, rips the door separating the carriages open.

“Anything on the target?” he hears Ethan’s voice in his ear, this time lacking all the sauciness, all business.

Will unnecessarily shakes his head. “No” he returns, glad for the change in Ethan’s tone. “He’s not here. Goddammit!” And maybe the curse is meant for more than just the mission quickly going awry.

“Will, keep looking, we need to find him” Ethan reminds him and Will rolls his eyes.

“What do you think I’m doing?” he retorts darkly and pushes past a passenger who’s appeared out of nowhere in front of him. Their eyes meet for a split-second but it feels as if they’re moving through syrup when Will catches the change in the man’s expression.

Next thing Will is pushed to the side and the suspicious passenger bolts down the corridor.

“Shit!” Will exclaims, running after him. “Guys, I’ve got him!”

“Good.” Ethan again. “The train’s approaching a bridge, no unnecessary jumping out of windows, Brandt, you hear me?” And there’s definitely a hint of mockery in his tone.

Will regales him with a well-felt, “Bastard” and leaves it at that because he’s got a villain to chase. Another thing that keeps throwing him off balance; sometimes he’s Will and then, suddenly, he’s Brandt again, as if they haven’t been working together for some three years now. At first he’s told himself that it just slips sometimes, some sort of automatism, but this answer had grown rather dissatisfying the longer Ethan’s flirting went on. And being Brandt is something Will doesn’t want anymore. It had protected him in the beginning but now that everything is out in the open between him and Ethan (well, everything concerning their intertwined past, that is) and now that they’re friends, every time Ethan calls him by his surname it throws him years back and it is like a barrier between them.

Will grits his teeth. He’s got to face it. This is just a game. There’s no sincere intention behind it.

The thought is just that little bit choking. Will’s heart aches at the thought that he’s on the verge of losing everything that has blossomed between him and Ethan. He doesn’t want to lose the friendship that still binds them together but he fears he will if Ethan means nothing by all this.

They’re nearing the first class compartments when Will suddenly spots something out of the corners of his eyes. One of the conductors is talking on a phone, face shaded by the cap he’s wearing, body turned away from the other people.

Oh no.

“Will, when this is over—”

The man mutters something, then nods and lowers the phone. His thumb hovers over the buttons for half a second before he presses down.

“When this is over, Ethan, I’m going to punch you in the face!” Will only makes it to _I’m going to--_ when there’s a sudden jolt going through the train and Will is thrown against the wall, an inconveniently placed door handle jabbing into his side and Will gasps at the sharp pain.

“Will? Will!”

There’s a ringing in his ears and his head is spinning from where he’s hit the wall at full speed. Another jolt sends him flying the other direction and the impact does something to his vision for suddenly everything’s blurry and Will can’t seem to regain his balance. The train jerks as if to defend itself against the powers taking a hold of it and then the weight shifts and the vehicle tilts sideways. Will skitters with it, too caught off-guard to realise what the fuck is happening. When his head hits the wooden panelling again his earpiece goes dead and for a few frightening seconds the world goes black. Will blinks through it trying to focus and to grab hold of something. The screams of the other passengers echo through the train and the overall chaos makes it too hard for him to form a coherent thought. Then he hears the sound of screeching brakes and something that sounds suspiciously like a low explosion. The next second Will’s back hits one of the windows as the train derails and the part shaken up by the explosion skids over the bridge. Will can practically feel how the train tries to pull forward against the weight pulling it down but it’s of no use and when the grinding metal gives in, they’re falling. Will is thrown around and the noises ring in his ears. Somewhere he hears the faint shattering of glass as windows break and the metal holding the compartments together screams as it is ripped out of the mounts. The impact with the surface comes surprisingly hard and it presses all the air out of Will’s lungs. His head is pounding and there’s the stale taste of blood in his mouth. The water floods in and pins him against the opposite wall with such force that Will struggles to get his arms free from where one is twisted behind his back in an odd angle while the other is waving uselessly through the water.

The train sinks deeper and Will manages to regain control over his body as he desperately tries to make out the broken windows through the muddy water for this is the only chance to get out of here. He’s swallowing way too much water and there’s no oxygen in his lungs and fuck, he needs to _breathe_. Throwing his head around he spots a part at the far end of the carriage where the water hasn’t made it to the ceiling yet and he aims for it, pushing himself off the wall with his feet. Breaking through the surface Will greedily sucks in the air, spitting out dirty lake water, and the movement alone hurts but he doesn’t care. Shit. He needs to somehow get out of here and what about his team, they must be going mad by now and what about the target and the other passengers and-- The water quickly rises as the train sinks deeper and deeper into the large lake and Will knows that he can’t save everyone and that his first worry should be to get himself out of here alive but the combination, he needs to combination, otherwise people will die and they would have failed them, it would have been their fault, _his_ fault because he wasn’t attentive enough and—

People _are going_ to die, Will suddenly realises. The thought hits him like a hammer to the head and if he doesn’t find a way out _now_ he’s going to be dead in seconds, too. And dead he can save neither the mission nor anyone else.

Taking a last deep breath Will ducks underwater again and swims towards the windows. The first one that he reaches is unfortunately intact and goddammit, he can’t see a thing! Realising that he can’t rely on his eyes he closes them and tries to remember the structure of the carriage. If he heard correctly – which is, granted, highly unlikely but his odds do not really speak in favour of him, anyway – the shattering came from further down the compartment and so Will pulls himself forward, finds grip after grip on the wall of the train with his fingers. The water is crushing him and his lungs are burning but he needs to keep calm. Something scrapes against his skin and rips a deep wound into the palm of his right hand. Broken glass. Ignoring the pain in his hand Will pushes through the broken window and out into the open water. It’s as dark as inside the train when he opens his eyes again and the water stings in his eyes. He’s not far from the train carriage yet and he knows it’s dangerous but he still needs the bloody combination to that door in that rundown facility outside of Helsinki. This is _important_.

Squinting his eyes against the water he turns around, trying to spot _anything_ that could help him. The water is filled with the noises of the sinking train and the screams of passengers too startled to keep their mouths shut against the water. Will knows he’s able to hold his breath for at least two minutes but only when he’s prepared and this is a fucking emergency and he’s _not_ prepared for this! He feels his lungs constrict, his heart pounding faster and the pressure in his head is increasing. He needs to get to the surface, he knows, but he can’t, not just yet.

On his far left he suddenly spots something, a glint where the sunrays have reached through the water and caught on something made of brass. A part of a uniform! The conductor wasn’t far away from him when the explosion occurred and Will tries to suppress the excitement because this sends his heart into another frenzy and he needs to use the oxygen he’s got left carefully. Swimming towards it his hand grabs the cap with the brazen badge and only a few metres away he sees the unconscious – dead? – body of the fake conductor. Will’s hands search for the phone when he reaches him but he can’t find it. Then his fingers brush against something stuck in the inside pocket of the jacket and while Will still tries not to think about that he’s searching a dead body he fishes around for it and rips it out. What he retrieves is a soaked trough envelope and there’s a part missing where Will’s applied a little too much force in getting it out of the pocket.

And fuck.

Wasn’t there something about the combination being preserved the old-fashioned way? Will didn’t anticipate that it’s _so_ old-fashioned. Written on a bloody piece of paper. As if his day wasn’t already shitty enough.

The paper is completely wet and Will knows that it’ll be unusable but he shoves it into the pocket of his trousers, anyway, because maybe Benji can perform some miracle. Only briefly he wonders why on earth the conductor had the combination on him and the fact registers with his mind that this is equal to a death sentence as far as the target is concerned. But why did he run away, then? Will definitely isn’t in the shape to ponder this now and he takes a mental note to inform the others later when he’s found a way out of here.

According to the calendar, spring has started a few weeks back but the water’s speaking a different language and granted, they are in Finland. It’s bloody cold and Will starts to shiver and his clothes are too heavy, pulling him down when all he needs is to get up, get to the surface of this blasted lake. Squeezing his eyes shut for a second he tries to collect his thoughts but it’s not of much use because when he opens them again, the world is still swimming – and what a pun – and the chaos around him is making it impossible to see through. Will paddles with his hands to hold himself on the spot while his eyes hurry through the semi-darkness to—

There’s something moving very close to the carriage and Will’s stomach sinks when he makes out the silhouette of a kid struggling to free his arm where it’s got caught. His lungs are screaming at him now but Will can’t leave the little boy to his fate and so he dives down again, heading towards the child. The boy has been smart enough to keep his mouth closed but Will immediately realises that he’s close to unconsciousness. Will’s fingers grasp the boy’s arm but he doesn’t have enough strength to pull it free and that’s most likely down to his own shortage of oxygen. Signalling the kid to stay where he is – probably the most superfluous gesture of the century – Will swims into the carriage again and his eyes scurry through the water but the spot where he had been able to catch a breath of air is long gone, the train now fully engulfed in the water. Will turns back around and frantically tries to get the boy free but he’s stuck and Will’s feeling unconsciousness extend its tendrils towards him but he fights it, fights it with all he has. He can’t have the boy dying here, he doesn’t _allow_ this. And then the arm comes free, ripping apart the sleeve, and the kid is still conscious, thank God. Will pushes him towards the surface and the boy even manages to swim for himself.

Which is a good thing because Will wouldn’t have been able to carry him. His lungs feel as if they might burst and a sharp pain jolts through his body. Will tries to move his arms but they’re like lead, floating uselessly. His head is pounding in rhythm with his heart but suddenly everything around him slows and his eyelids are heavy. Will doesn’t want to resist, he knows he has to for heaven’s sake but it’s so difficult.

This is when it hits him.

Fuck.

He’s drowning.

He’s going to die here, in a train wreck in a lake in bloody Finland.

He’s drowning and fuck, the mission and his team and… Ethan. Will doesn’t want to die without knowing if Ethan meant _anything_ of what he said, if they could have worked.

Thoughts rush through his head, all jumbled, and his mind is a mess and he realises that only one thought has kept him conscious, focused for this long – Ethan. Ethan and the hope that perhaps, after everything, it wasn’t just a game. The image of his friend standing in the carpark appears before his inner eye, how he was rummaging through his pockets for the keys. He had forgotten them at the briefing and Will had picked them up and followed him. It had been one of those days where small talk was the only thing spoken between them, apart from short work-related exchanges. Will had wanted to tap him on the shoulder but he had refrained, instead calling out his name. Ethan had been so startled, he had spun around and stared at him as if he’d seen a ghost. And all Will had said was, “You left your keys on the table” and had extended his hand towards him, palm open. Will remembers Ethan watching him and for the blink of an eye something had flickered over his face, something that Will had refused to name to the day because the past months had been so utterly confusing. Sadness. For a split-second Ethan had almost seemed sad upon seeing him and Will didn’t and still doesn’t understand why. He hadn’t said anything else that day, just waited for Ethan to grab the keys and go home. When Ethan had taken the keys out of his hand it had been a hesitant movement and he’d been careful not to make their fingers brush. Will can’t fathom why he notices this now. If this is his brain trying to soothe him, to make death feel comfortable, well, then it’s failed spectacularly.

Now Will realises that perhaps he should have said something but he’s missed the opportunity and now he’s not going to get another because he’s going to die.

 _I can’t do this to him_ , he thinks feverishly, _I can’t do this to him, I need him and he needs comfort and—_

He needs him.

If he hadn’t been drowning, Will would have stopped in his tracks in complete and utter astonishment because this thought is new. It’s startling.

As is the revelation that it bears.

It’s not just an infatuation, it’s never been just that.

He’s in love.

Will opens his mouth, swallows water. He coughs and gags, trying to get the water out of his lungs but it doesn’t work and his entire body trembles with it.

He doesn’t know what is worse, dying alone in the cold of the water with the knowledge that he loves Ethan or seeing him every single day, knowing that nothing will ever happen between them.

The last thought that crosses Will’s mind before he loses consciousness is _I should have told him, that day. I should have told him._

 

 

* * *

 

 

The noises worming their way through to Will’s head are rather persistent but they are nothing compared to the ever increasing ringing in his ears that simply refuses to go away. He tries to shut it out but it doesn’t work and it drives him mad. There’s a third sound, a low but determined one and Will makes himself focus on that one because it’s… it’s _calming._ It manages to dull the burning pain in his chest and the throbbing in his head and Will lets himself fall back further into the realms of darkness again when he suddenly realises that the sound is urging him to do the exact opposite.

“Come on, Will, open your eyes.” And then, “Please.”

With a choked gasp Will’s eyes fly open and it takes him a couple of seconds to recognise where, who, and what.

A hand on his shoulder helps him regain his focus.

“Thank God, Will!” And Ethan’s smiling at him, a bright, honest smile but there are worry lines on his forehead and all Will can think is that they don’t suit him and he wants to make them go away.

The hand still lingering on his wet clothes reminds him of what warmth is and a shudder jolts through his body and fuck, Will is freezing, it’s so cold and everything’s wet and he can’t see straight.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s all right, you’re safe.” Ethan’s warm voice soothes him and Will doesn’t protest when his friend gently pushes him back down from where Will’s tried to sit up.

He feels something dry and almost comfortable under his head and it’s then that his mind supplies the information his eyes have gathered. He’s in the back of an ambulance car and he’s wrapped up in one of those special blankets they give to people in shock. It’s radiating warmth but not as much as the hand still resting on his shoulder does and Will swallows, a lump taking up residence in his throat as the fact registers with his mind.

Apparently, he’s not dead.

Or he just might be, because Ethan’s here with him and he’s looking so _worried_.

Will opens his mouth but all that comes out is a stammer. “Jane, Benji…”

“They’re fine, Will, everything’s okay.” Ethan offers him another smile, a small one this time, and squeezes lightly at his shoulder.

“How did you—”

“When we lost radio contact and even the signal on your phone went dead, I immediately came after you.” Ethan grins, a little sheepishly, then adds, “I followed you.”

Will is thrown six months back and he stumbles over it at first but then he matches the grin. “Of course you did. You didn’t take the train, though, did you?” he adds and it’s such a lame joke that it makes them both laugh, although it’s more coughing on Will’s part.

Gradually, the shivers subside and Will feels himself dry as they sit in companionable silence, albeit never crossing a respectful distance, hands kept to themselves. The paramedics are swarming all over the place, pulling people out of the water, performing first aid wherever necessary. Will notices, though, that it’s not only survivors they fish out of the lake; there are rows of black body bags on the riverbank and it sends a shudder down his spine.

He must have been incredibly lucky to come out of this alive.

Ethan follows his gaze and as if to chase the dark thoughts away, he says, “You saved a life.”

Will blinks at him in surprise but then he remembers the little boy. So he made it.

“You’re the hero of the day” Ethan quips and pats him on the shoulder but Will can’t quite match his good mood.

His brows furrow with concern and his lips press into a thin line. “The mission” he grits out. “The combination, did I—”

But Ethan is already shaking his head, cutting him off, albeit gently. “I’m afraid the paper is reduced to a mere resemblance of its former existence but don’t worry. We’ll find a way.”

Will wants to press further because how are they supposed to do that with the target most likely dead and the other henchman – to which organisation whatsoever the fake conductor belonged, they never expected to be dealing with two parties here and they don’t know if there are more of them – either sharing that fate or if not, then probably being miles away already. But Ethan beats him to it, or better say, his phone does when the ringing disturbs the calm air and Will winces at the sound because it brings back the noise in his ears.

Noticing that, Ethan’s quick to answer the call. “Benji” he greets and then words pour through the speaker that Will can’t make out but he can tell by the amused look on Ethan’s face that Benji’s doing what he does best.

Ethan manages to throw in short comments such as “He’s fine, I found him” but he gets cut off most of the time. While he listens, phone pressed against his ear, gaze turned towards the hustle and bustle outside, Will watches him. It’s nice that he’s here and honestly, Will would never reject Ethan’s company, he’d have most likely asked for him if it were someone else’s face he woke up to. But there’s still this issue between them and Will can’t just turn off his brain – as much as he sometimes wants to. The lines are still there on Ethan’s face and Will can see the concern in his eyes. But there’s also something else, incredible _relief_. Nothing unexpected, though. Still… There’s an edge to it, a hint of something rooted deeply and now that Will’s spotted it he can’t help thinking about it, trying to figure out what is going on behind that smile.

And then there’s the fact that he very clearly remembers the thought his mind had confronted him with when he had been fighting for his life in that train wreck underwater.

Will’s definitely biased when it comes to Ethan and that thinking straight is difficult around him, well of that he’s been aware ever since… well, ever since he fell. But the last few months have given him so much to think about, so much confusion and unease that he doesn’t know what to do about it. He just can’t put up with it anymore, he can’t take hit after hit. It’s hurting him and he wonders if Ethan’s aware of it.

Well, he probably isn’t, judging by the way he keeps sending out all this mixed signals crap.

It’s in this moment that Ethan turns back towards him and Will quickly averts his eyes, lowering his gaze and hoping that Ethan hasn’t caught him staring.

The phone is being held out to him. “Benji wants to talk to you” Ethan explains.

At that Will does look up again and he scrunches up his face in his best imitation of the poor, injured accident victim because his head is in no condition to live through Benji’s ranting.

Ethan merely lifts his eyebrows.

 _Traitor_ , Will mouths at him and receives a grin in return. With a sigh Will grabs the phone and the movement is clumsy because his arms still feel too heavy. This is why their fingers brush and Will’s not prepared for the electric shock it gives him. He shoots a glance in Ethan’s direction only to see him casting his eyes down, avoiding meeting Will’s gaze. Will stares for a second longer, unable to move but then he recovers and lifts the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Benji” he mumbles, attempting to sound as cheery as possible but his efforts are useless.

“William, are you actually intent on giving me a heart attack?” Benji steamrolls right over him, foregoing any form of greeting.

“When did I ever— don’t call me that!” Will complains but where’s the point, really.

Benji keeps talking and Will is actually touched by his concern but right now it’s a little much and he’s feeling terribly tired all of a sudden. A nap would be glorious.

Thankfully, one of the paramedics climbs into the back of the ambulance car just now and frowns at Will when she sees the phone. Will just shrugs innocently but he tells Benji that they’ll have to continue this later. He hands Ethan the phone back and endures the fussing of the paramedic. When she disappears to fetch a colleague Ethan gets up as well.

“I should go” he says, and he’s hiding it but Will notices the fidgeting of his fingers.

“You’re not coming with?” Will asks, a little disappointed.

Ethan shakes his head, motioning towards nothing in particular. “I’ll take the car.”

“Oh, okay.”

The air suddenly feels heavy and Will can’t pinpoint where the awkwardness came from. He puts an effort into keeping his mind silent, though, because he’s had enough disappointments and he doesn’t think himself strong enough to manage another.

“You can’t imagine how grateful I am to see you alive.” Ethan’s quiet words have him glance up, though, and he’s met with a pair of soft green eyes and a small smile.

Clenching his teeth Will swallows down the emerging hope and the thought of how _cute_ Ethan looks but he can’t hold his heart back from picking up speed.

They hold each other’s gaze for a heartbeat longer but then Ethan turns away and Will’s ready to brush it off as just another remark that means nothing in the end when he’s caught by surprise as a hand tips up his chin and soft lips cautiously press against his.

Will doesn’t have the time to register what is happening or to even enjoy this for the sensation is gone too quickly and Ethan with it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was different. So different from that time at Benji’s, that stupid dare. The alcohol-infused kiss. Sometimes, Will thinks that Benji might have planned this, that not only Jane had noticed the tension between him and Ethan. Bravo, Benji, well done. It had achieved nothing but six months full of pain and hurt and confusion for Will. But this just now…

Will’s got a rather nasty headache and the wound running down his right temple is throbbing. Perhaps he’s only imagined it? He’s developed skill in that particular field.

No. He can’t have. It must have been real. The kiss felt incredible, again just lips brushing but it felt _true_. Just a short moment and still so much conveyed through this tiny gesture. Will knows how silly it sounds but somehow this kiss has calmed him down again, although his heart is still beating its way out of his chest. There is hope. This time Will knows it. He smiles wistfully at how it felt as if Ethan finally opened up to him, agreed to give them a chance.

Perhaps he did just that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Will tells himself to be patient. Easier said than done with the nurse checking on him at least five times an hour. They told him he has to stay at least two days at the hospital for secondary drowning can still occur after 48 hours. Despite Will’s numerous attempts to assure them that he’s fine they haven’t discharged him yet and right now he’s glad for Jane and Benji’s presence because otherwise he would most likely be going insane. The two have kept him occupied and laughing through the past two and a half hours but Will’s mind has been wandering off to the only person missing and to what happened between them a day ago.

There had been so much honesty in that fleeting kiss even if covered by insecurity. A promise without words and Will has been feeling twitchy ever since Ethan had left him in the back of that ambulance car. He hasn’t seen him since and God, he’s yearning to be near him. But Will also knows that they still had a mission to complete and together with the other two Ethan had set out for Helsinki to get things clarified and wrapped up. The fact that Benji and Jane are here means that they miraculously made it but Will has been too focused on Ethan, the longing to see him growing stronger every second, that he’s forgotten to ask how.

It’s to one of Benji’s jokes that the door creaks open and Ethan slips into the room, almost – and Will’s caught by surprise at that – _shyly_. Ethan’s got a bandage around his left biceps and a band aid draped across what must be a cut on his chin but he looks as breathtaking as he always does and then he smiles at Will and Will is struck by the utter beauty and the honesty of it.

“All right, Benji, let’s get something to eat, I’m starving.” Jane gets up and Benji doesn’t protest as he mimics her movement. “We’ll leave you two dorks to sort the mess out that you’ve created.” She throws Will a knowing smirk but the last _you_ is directed at Ethan and they both know that.

Jane leaves, Benji in tow, and the door clicks shut, leaving a thick silence. For long minutes neither of them says a word and Ethan’s just standing there at the other end of the room, obviously unsure of what to do.

“I won’t bite” Will hears himself say and the smile that forms on his lips seeps into the words and he vaguely wonders where he took that much self-confidence from for his voice doesn’t crack. He’s a little proud of it.

Ethan smirks and walks up to him, settling on the chair formerly occupied by Jane and braces his elbows on his knees.

After a couple of painfully long seconds he says, “Hey.”

Will smiles so widely, it hurts his cheeks. “Hey” he returns and this time he can’t keep the slight waver out of his voice but it doesn’t matter.

“How are you?” Ethan asks and it’s the most obvious conversation starter but Will’s got the feeling that they have a rather long talk ahead of them so it’s as good as any, really.

“Fine” he answers. “I _am_ ” he emphasises when Ethan opens his mouth, undoubtedly to question his statement.

This elicits a smile out of him and Will’s breath catches as he watches this stunning transformation. Half a year of constant back and forth, and all the time Ethan seemed so sure of himself, always playful and cheeky. Looking at him now Will finds the same insecurity that he’s felt the past six months and it’s something so completely _new_ that he can’t tear his eyes away.

“Let’s get this straight.” Ethan suddenly looks up and when their eyes meet Will sees the sincerity that he’s felt in this kiss at the lake.

Will smiles. This is the old Ethan, getting to the point without beating about the bush. “Yeah” Will says and there’s nothing that Ethan can say that can upset him now for he knows where this is going to lead. Eventually.

Again, Ethan settles for straightforwardness and he’s looking Will in the eyes, his gaze steady, when he says, “I’m in love with you.”

Will chokes on thin air. Okay, he’ll take everything back, this _was_ unexpected. Not the meaning itself but the unwavering way, the directness with which the confession comes over Ethan’s lips. Will just stares at him and he realises exactly how far he’s gone for this man. Wondering if it’s even possible to fall so completely he manages a small smile and battles against the sudden dryness in his mouth.

“Me too” he croaks and it doesn’t sound half as gracefully as Ethan’s declaration. “Love you” he adds because this has been held back for too long and he just needs to say it.

The ghost of a smile plays on Ethan’s lips and for a moment they just look at each other. Will half expects him to lean in and kiss him but instead Ethan clears his throat, breaking eye contact.

“I have to apologise” he states firmly.

“No, you—” Will begins but Ethan cuts him off.

“Will, let me explain.”

Will swallows but he clams his mouth shut and settles for watching him as Ethan collects his words.

“I— It has been— It’s been difficult.” Ethan takes a deep breath and Will doesn’t look away, wondering how this man manages to surprise him again and again. “Croatia has affected the both of us.”

Will winces because now is not the time to talk about _that_ but Ethan carries on and Will understands why he’s started there.

“I loved Julia, very much, and although I knew I had to let her go for her own safety it was still incredibly hard for me. I wasn’t used to being alone and I’m still thinking about her, asking myself how I managed to destroy everything we had. Just as it got a little easier it was you of all people whose eyes I looked into when I got into the car in Moscow.” Ethan laughs quietly and he raises his head to meet Will’s gaze. “You swept me off my feet, you know that?”

No, Will didn’t know but he has to smile at that and feels his cheeks flush. Well, he can say the same about Ethan, no doubt there.

“There was just one problem” Ethan continues. “You’re… well, you’re a man and I’ve never felt something for another man before so that was… new and confusing. I couldn’t handle it.” He rushes through the words as if getting them out as quickly as possible will make them less uncomfortable.

Will stays perfectly still, not saying a word. He understands him; it must have been startling at first, embarrassing even. Still, Ethan Hunt admitting that he’s helpless almost makes Will smile fondly.

The next sentence Will can relate to completely. “For some reason I felt… guilty. It felt as if I would be betraying her if I let anything happen between us.”

Will offers him a reassuring smile. He felt the guilt, the crushing sort, when he realised that he’d crushed on someone’s husband and even more so when he had to face the fact that he’d just destroyed two lives. “I know” he says softly but he doesn’t dare reach out for Ethan’s hand.

“After Seattle I told myself that I had to come to terms with this and I wanted to do something about it because I knew the feeling wouldn’t go away. I just didn’t know how to start. Turns out, I did it all wrong.” He glances up again, an apologetic smile on his face. “I told myself that I could do this, it isn’t that much different from asking a woman out, after all. But I first needed to be sure that there was the possibility that you felt the same because I wasn’t sure I could handle a brush-off from you. I’m sorry, Will, I thought I was doing the right thing, I wasn’t sure how to say it so I piled up a rather impressive amount of really bad chat-ups and innuendos.”

Will shakes his head softly and gives him a reassuring smile. “And all the time you seemed so confident.”

Ethan laughs at that. “Well, I wasn’t.” He pauses before going on. “I’m sorry if I confused you, Will, it was never my intention but I couldn’t think of a better way, I guess. It was complicated and I was torn between wanting to ask you out and telling myself off for even thinking about it.” A snort escapes him. “In the end it needed an emergency and you getting hurt to finally make me realise and admit it to myself that you mean everything to me.”

Ethan now does what Will didn’t have the heart to earlier as he takes his hand in his and begins trailing mindless patterns on Will’s skin with his thumb. “I know this explanation is most likely the biggest crap you’ve ever heard but I’m sorry, Will, I am.”

Will just wants Ethan to stop apologising and tell him that he’s never heard something as sweet as this. He says none of it, though, just smiles along, suddenly feeling a little light-headed. Intertwining their fingers he watches Ethan as the mystery this man is slowly unravels and Will is stunned by the vulnerability he finds beneath the sureness that Ethan normally radiates. Then a thought crosses his mind.

“When I brought you your keys…”

Ethan looks at him and the expression on his face tells Will he remembers this moment as clearly as Will does. “I realised that I had taken it too far, that it wasn’t going the way I wanted it because I’d been too stupid to make it right, and you looked so upset.” He shakes his head, a lop-sided smile emerging. “Didn’t have the courage to say something, obviously.”

“Yeah, you’re not the only one there” Will admits, chuckling.

The atmosphere is light between them and Will can’t find words to describe how happy he feels now that he knows that his feelings are reciprocated. They talk and laugh and all the confusion and the uncertainty of the past months are lifted from his shoulders and then they’re kissing and it’s sublime.

Will thinks he could get used to this.

 

Ethan asks him out properly and a few days later Will is standing in front of his wardrobe, not the foggiest idea what he should wear but with a feeling of pleasant anticipation in his stomach that makes his knees go weak and his head spin. Bloody hell, he’s never felt this giddy before. But the pleasant ache that settles in his chest at the thought of Ethan is a wonderful feeling, only beat by the sensation of Ethan’s lips on his.

Will settles for the usual, lets the tie hang loosely around his neck. Outside, the rain’s coming down in torrents and Will grabs an umbrella on his way out. Walking through the streets he tries to control his giddiness as best as he can but then he’s already standing outside Ethan’s front door and he hasn’t even thought about what to say.

The door opens revealing a gorgeously smiling Ethan and Will matches his expression.

“Hey” Will says and he feels incredibly stupid standing under this huge umbrella with the band aids on his face, one draped over his nose and another along the rather deep cut on his right temple and he's sure the one running upwards from his collarbone is peeking out from under his shirt.

Ethan’s casually leaning against the doorframe. “Hey” he answers and then bends forward to capture Will’s lips in a sweet, tentative kiss.

“You don’t kiss before first dates” Will states when they detach.

Ethan chuckles. “The rule is not to kiss _on_ first dates, no one said anything about _before_.”

Shaking his head Will joins his amusement. “Picking things apart is my job” he complains but it’s half-hearted and Ethan’s so close that Will can smell his aftershave and it’s making him dizzy.

He clears his throat, lowering his head only to look up again, straight into the other’s eyes. “I’m sorry” Will says, “for almost dying and for not seeing what you have been trying to say.”

Ethan exhales through his nose, smiling softly. “You don’t have to be” he says under his breath. “We were both idiots, you almost drowning and me too much of a coward to speak up. Let’s just start over again, okay?”

Will smiles, nods. “Okay.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The rumours about Ethan Hunt being the perfect gentleman are true, Will discovers over the course of the evening and he enjoys every single second. The end of it finds them on the threshold to Will’s apartment both clearly not wanting the day to end just yet. Will’s still a little breathless from their kiss just now and luckily for him, Ethan speaks up first.

“What did you want to say?” he asks. “On the train when the connection was cut off.”

Will blinks. “What do you mean?”

“You said, _When this is over, I’m going to_ but I never got to hear what exactly you were going to do.”

Remembering this particular part of their exchange over radio Will doesn’t manage to hold back the laughter. “I initially wanted to punch you in the face but I guess that’s no longer appropriate now” he tells him truthfully and laughs even harder at Ethan’s incredulous expression. After a moment’s consideration he adds, his voice low and thoughtful, “If asked now I’d probably say _I’m going to tell you something_.”

Ethan smiles but Will can see through it and detects the confusion in his eyes. “That sounds rather innocuous” Ethan comments and Will’s heart constricts because it’s anything but innocuous.

“What is it, then? That you want to tell me?” When Will doesn’t answer straight away Ethan reaches out for his hand and holds it, his eyes locked on Will’s, never flickering.

It’s too early. Will wants to tell him but he feels that it would set something free that he wouldn’t be able to control. It’s a feeling rooted so deeply inside him that it feels too personal even if it’s Ethan he’d reveal it to, even if Ethan is the reason for it. Will’s never felt this for anyone else before and no one will ever have this power over him, no one except for Ethan. Will remembers being underwater, so clearly that he thinks to feel the water entering his lungs again but it isn’t choking this time. Because now he’s safe. He remembers how one thought kept him alive and how equally painful it was. Ethan is the reason he made it out alive, all it needed to make him fight was the reassurance that he’ll see him again. All he needed was his love—but he didn’t have _that_ , not back then and Will remembers wishing he would. Now, though, now Will knows that with Ethan’s love he’ll survive anything, come what may. And some day he’s going to tell him that.

Will softly shakes his head, forces out a smile. “Let’s leave that for another time.”

To his surprise Ethan just nods, not pressing like he usually does.

They stand there, fingers entwined and eyes not sure where to look and none of them speaks but it doesn’t feel as awkward as Will would have expected. They’re already past the barrier of the first kiss and Will chuckles internally at how they practically put the cart before the horse. It’s most likely the most complicated way to start a relationship but Will doesn’t really mind. They agreed to start over again and this time they’ll do it right.

“Would you mind company tonight?” Ethan’s quiet voice cuts through his train of thought and Will goes a very deep shade of red when he looks up, equally shocked and pleasantly surprised. It doesn’t help that Ethan laughs and Will’s very well aware that the other can most likely see the cogs turning in his head as Will’s mind processes all the possible meanings this proposition could bear.

He mentally scolds himself for being such a teenager.

“I should warn you, I cuddle.” Will’s smile is shy but he’s been waiting for this for so long so the hell is he going to screw this up now.

“Such a sap.” Ethan’s chuckle is warm and so is his hand when he gently places it on the back of Will’s neck, fingers crawling up into his hair, and then he pulls him towards him and Will lets himself be guided until their lips brush and his eyes flutter closed.

 

Yes, they’ll do it right this time. _This_ is right.

 

 

 

_‘Cause all I need is the love you breathe_

_Put your lips on me and I can live_

_Underwater, underwater, underwater_

_Underwater, underwater, I can live underwater_

_With your love I can breathe, I can breathe underwater_

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: the place described at the beginning exists. Not in DC, obviously, but in my home town and I go there whenever I need a bit of peace and quiet.  
> As always, I'd love to hear what you think and thank you for reading!
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://atravellingsoldierstaleofwinter.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
